Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
– Anonymous
I was sitting on the floor in my usual room I meditate in every morning and felt peaceful. Everything around me felt tranquil, and calm. I was going deep in my head, sorting out all of my feelings and everything that was going on in my life and it was helping me make a little sense out of this chaotic world. The warm sunlight was coming into the room and the weather outside was beautiful. I knew it was going to be a good day.
I decided to peek at my phone to see what was going on in my e-mail, and that’s when I saw it. Seeing the e-mail from her unopened made my heart skip a beat, and I quickly opened it without hesitation with curiosity as well as a deep nervousness.
She e-mailed me letting me know she had been thinking about me, and wanted to meet up because she was coming home to visit from overseas. She left more than nearly a year ago, and the last time I saw her we were hugging with tears streaming down her small, fragile, delicate beautiful little pouty face.
I replied some time later telling her we could meet up, and in my head I was imagining what would happen….we would likely meet up in a coffee shop, it would be really awkward and I would be more nervous than anything. I would feel my face turn red as I see her walk into the coffee shop, as she would look more beautiful than ever. She would see me and would not look a bit nervous or scared – for she loved people and meeting someone wasn’t terrifying for her like it was for me. I would be trying to look my best to compensate for my shyness and face that would likely be beet-red. I would be wearing my new black tennis shoes, my hair would be washed, and I would be wearing my contacts for a change. We would talk, and she would be leaning in close and I would be pulling away, because I am so shy. She would be holding my hands, and we would be nearly kissing each other because there would be such a tension between us, but we wouldn’t.
I even had dreams about how seeing her would go that didn’t make sense, but showed how nervous and eager my subconscious was to meet her and see her again. In one dream, we were at her house and her mom and brother were there. We were around the pool, and were around the grill grilling out. We went inside, and we exchanged gifts, and she was naked at one point, and I really liked seeing it. Then she left and I never saw her again in the dream.
While daydreaming about all of this and having dreams about all of this, in real-life I checked my emails dozens of times, and I tried to check it everyday in anticipation of what she would say next – but got no reply. I checked it again and again, day after day – and still got no reply. I was beginning to get worried and found myself confused. Had she not gotten my e-mail saying I was willing to meet her and hang out with her when she was going to come home to visit? Was she just testing me again? Was I getting my hopes up and fantasizing about something that was never going to happen again? I hoped not, for the disappointment would be more than I could bear. I always seem to make these sort of mistakes. I always seem to get my hopes up about this girl for my hopes and dreams only to get shot down and crushed, like a piece of fine china going into a garbage disposal.
I finally looked on her social media one day to confirm this was the case. I had gotten my hopes up for a girl who had not seemed to get her hopes up about me. She had posted photos of her back here in the city that I live in, with her other friends who had not liked me and who had resented me. Then came the real kick-to-the-face – her most recent post was one of her confirming she had left, and had returned back to the country she was living in, and her visit was over. It looked like she was not going to come see me.
My heart sank and I felt foolish. Why had I gotten my hopes up again knowing that this sort of thing was likely to happen? Why had I spent weeks, days, and months even daydreaming about the moment I was going to get to see her again, when I knew in the back of my mind that this was likely never going to happen, based on her past behavior? I was a fantasizer, a dreamer for sure, and yet again, I had let it get the best of me and left me feeling empty, lost, and awfully torn-up.
I finally heard from her months later, and we chit-chatted back and forth for a little while. She sent me another e-mail again to seemingly bait my feelings, and bait my interest that read, “I still think about you sometimes, and would like to hear from you.” I told her I thought about her too, but our few conversations eventually faded into nothingness. I was still disappointed and felt a little hurt about it.
But I wouldn’t trade our interactions for anything, and am glad we still are on speaking terms. Years ago I dated a girl who was real mean to me, and who ended up cheating on me and breaking up with me, and as we broke up she threw it in my face that she was cheating on me as if breaking up with me at her parent’s house wasn’t enough. We have not talked to this day, and as I write this thinking about it it still hurts me to this day that she treated me this way, and that we are no longer in contact and aren’t even friends.
I can at least say this about my last girlfriend who dumped me and left the country. We have at least talked and corresponded a bit by e-mail during the time after we broke up, and I can at least call her a friend, which leaves me feeling a little better. There is not a complete hole in my heart where she used to be, because it is at least filled with a small friendship that is cordial and friendly with each other. I can at least call her and ask her how she is doing, despite how painful it may be to hear her voice that I still miss from time-to-time. This is why it is my opinion that you should stay friends with your ex-girlfriend post-breakup, and will lead to a more healthy breakup in the long-run while leaving you feeling less bitter and resentful about the breakup overall. Here are ten reasons why:
- It will show a sign of maturity
In grade school and middle school when you often have a fight with one of your friends or you have a “breakup” when you are that age, you typically don’t talk to that person for weeks, or even months and try to cut them out of your life all together. It actually takes true guts, character, grit, and maturity to admit what you did wrong in a relationship, and openly tell that person and try to reconcile as friends if you know the relationship is not going to work.
2. You will feel better about the relationship overall
Often people take the route of “burning the bridge” when it comes to ending a relationship and establish a relationship from then on that requires no contact with that person. Like I mentioned earlier, when my ex broke up with me at her parent’s house, then threw it in my face that she was cheating on me while she broke up with me, that truly left a sting in my heart that hasn’t entirely gone away, and that was over several years ago. It would have felt much better to me, and I would not have felt as resentful over it for a long time if she had been more cordial, and if the breakup itself was more cordial and friendly and if we could have remained friends and on speaking terms. I attempted to reach out to her and speak to her after the breakup and relationship ended, despite how hurt I was about how she broke up with me, but got no reply. Unfortunately, it takes two to have a relationship and each party has to want it as badly as the other.
3. It will give you more peace and closure
Additionally, breaking up and remaining friends will likely give you more closure to the relationship, because you can actually talk to that person about what went wrong. In my last relationship with my ex who moved away and left the country, the reasons we broke up were fairly clear – we weren’t going to work because it was had been her dream her entire life to live in another country to seek adventure and we just weren’t right for each other. Sometimes, we argued pretty heavily and hurt each other’s feelings and didn’t get along, which hurt her a lot and hurt me too. With my ex who broke up with me at her parent’s house, this kind of closure was not granted, and I stayed awake many a-night wondering, “what did I do so wrong to make a girl I loved so much to do this to me?”
4. It will help you learn from the relationship
Being able to talk and openly deliberate with people is a tremendous tool that all of us can benefit from, especially in relationships. This has been said so many times by other people that this is a cliché, but one of the most important things in a relationship if not the most important thing in a relationship is the ability to communicate. When you are able to communicate with your girlfriend during the breakup and even post-breakup you will be able to learn what you did wrong, and how you can learn from that. Maybe you commented that her boobs were too small. Maybe you did some things that may have came across as rude. Maybe you made some insensitive comments to her that you thought were perfectly fine but in retrospect, came off as mean. Talking about all of these things will allow you to learn from them, so that in the future you won’t do it in your next relationship, and your next girlfriend and hopefully wife will get a even better version of you.
5. It will help you process what you’re feeling
Being able to talk to your ex and reach closure and actually process what you’re feeling is incredibly helpful for moving on. Knowing what went wrong and being able to learn from it, as well as being able to understand the reasons why you feel angry, sad, or even jealous will help you handle those emotions in a healthy way. Maybe you felt angry and guilty that she broke up with you because you think you did something wrong. Maybe you feel sad that the relationship ended because you don’t know why. Maybe you feel confused as to why the relationship ended in the first place. Being cordial and having a friendly relationship with her will allow you to talk about these very important things weighing on your mind and will allow you to see that maybe you didn’t do anything particularly wrong or evil in the relationship, and that the relationship ended simply because you and this other person may have very different values (which is ok).
6. It will make you stronger and more resilient
It takes a lot of guts to walk away from a relationship. Many people stay in relationships because it is what they have always done, and it is easier to do what has always been done than try something new and unknown. People are terrified of the unknown, because the consequences of facing the unknown are unknown, and that is terrifying. We as humans want to make the most rational choices possible, and we want to avoid risk and pain when we can. Many people deal with this by taking the cowardly route in a breakup and cheat, trying to “force” someone else to breakup with them. That way no choice can be made, and the consequences can then be easier to deal with. What takes true bravery is breaking up with someone in a fair, direct, and cordial way, and then hopefully remaining friends. Dealing with emotions and bad feelings directly and tackling them head on takes much more bravery and guts than avoidance all together.
7. It will force you to take more responsibility for what went wrong
Breaking up in a cordial way will force you to talk to that other person about the relationship, and looking at this person like a friend rather than an enemy will likely force you to take responsibility for what you possibly did wrong. Many people like to blame others for their wrongdoings in their relationships. When my ex broke up with me at her parent’s house and told me she was seeing someone else, she blamed me for her cheating on me. She said the reason she cheated on me is because she assumed I was doing the same, so that is how she justified her behavior. I was flabbergasted. I was interested in her and only her. The thought of replacing her and or seeing someone else had never crossed my mind. Breaking up in a cordial way as friends allows each person to take the blame for what they did wrong, and know that when someone cheats, that’s their decision and their choice to be unfair to the other person, and that is their responsibility.
8. It will allow you to see the relationship for what it really was
Having open dialogue and discussion is much easier done with friends, rather than enemies. Think of the last time you had an argument with one of your enemies, rather than one of your friends. You will probably much more defensive, were much more emotional, and were probably much harder to convince of any opposing view rather than your own. When my ex broke up with me at her parent’s house and told me she cheated on me, I immediately felt attacked and saw her as an enemy. I felt hurt and defensive. When we argued we got no where, because it was her trying to prove her point and me trying prove mine. All it was was us trying to justify ourselves, rather than having open dialogue and discussion, where we looked at the relationship for what it really was.
9. “Burning the bridge” will likely come back to bite you
Many people are tempted to “burn the bridge” with their ex in the heat of the moment of a breakup. They are angry, feel attacked, see their ex as their new enemy, and want to do anything they can to hurt their ex, even if that means cutting all ties of communication. Not only are making decisions in the heat of the moment while emotional like this unwise, but burning the bridge will likely come back to bite you. Even though I wasn’t the one who “burned the bridge” with my ex who dumped me at her parent’s house, I found myself many times laying awake in the middle of the night, wondering what I did wrong and how I could have fixed it. Having these unresolved and often painful feelings that bothered me was likely more painful and bothersome than actually meeting with that person and breaking up in a healthy manner. I tried reaching out to her on multiple occasions to reconcile, but continued to get no reply.
10. It will help you see that there are other girls out there
Many people who “burn the bridge” in their relationship often and unfortunately turn bitter and resentful. They see other girls in general as their “enemy,” and avoid relationships all together. They become angry with the world, and see the world as a place that wrongs them, rather than a place that is full of wonderful things and opportunity. When a cute girl approaches them at the grocery store, they may see their mean ex in her, and quickly reject her and turn her away. When they finally do go on a date with a pretty girl, they may reject her too, because they see their ex in her somehow too. Being friends with your ex and breaking up in a healthy, safe, and responsible manner may show you that you ex was not such a bad person after all. It may show you that despite all of her mistakes, bad days, and mean things that she did she is just a person who does only that – a person who makes mistakes. You may see that she is only a girl who tried her best to love you, and despite whatever reason that may be, she was not able to love you anymore because you two weren’t right for each other. You may see that although you were in a relationship with this girl who you felt so strongly about and had such deep feelings for, there are many other girls out there who are also wonderful in their own ways, who won’t cheat on you, who will break up with you in a fair and healthy way, and who you can have a relationship with.
Like this post? I highly recommend you check out my other similar post, 5 Things Not To Do After A Breakup, which are five things I know you are already doing or you’re about to after your girlfriend breaks up with you, or check out 5 Rules For How To React Immediately After a Breakup, which gives you 5 solid and hard rules to follow so you know how to act and get over the breakup like a man.
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional. Please do not take my advice as if I was a doctor or medical professional, as I am not qualified to give that kind of health advice. Please be smart, and use your best judgement when starting a new diet/health/exercise plan and consult your doctor before starting a new diet/health/exercise plan. Thank you.
How To Get Over a Breakup 