Are Breakups Worse For Teenagers or Adults?

“I was way behind in my maturity. I was a 30-year-old acting like a 23-year-old. So when I was 21, I was probably acting like a 15-year-old.”

Dale Earnhardt Jr., Racing Legend

This seems to be very true of many young men who are in their teenage years. We are considered legal adults at the age of 18. We can drive a two thousand ton missile down the center of a highway at 75 miles per hour known as a “car.” We can join the military and die for our country, vote for the next president of the United States, and legally parent a child as part of being an 18-year-old “adult.” The problem is most of boys at 18, including me, were not men and cared more about video games and sex than the political state of our nation or driving responsibly.

Nevertheless the careless and carefree immature young lad I was I managed to get myself a girlfriend. Then a whole new world opened up. I didn’t realize how awesome it was to spend time with a real-live actual girl was, and how awesome it was to be around someone I was unexplainably and hopelessly attracted to while at the same time actually enjoy being around them and holding good conversation. Between the late night video games, careless shenanigans with my buddies, and new found relationship I had found with my new girlfriend, it was safe to say life was good.

My new girlfriend even came over and watched my favorite movie with me that was a complete man-night movie and hung out with my best friend. We laughed and talked and had a good time. Then at Christmas she came over while my parents were conveniently gone, and that’s when things got extra hot and heavy.

But, as many teenage relationships go, this relationship was passionate and great but short-lived. She ended it by calling me on the phone unexpectedly while I was in my dorm room cooped up like a hermit, studying my butt off for my next exam, oblivious to the news that devastated my poor little heart.

“Hello?” I asked as I picked up the phone. It was weird because she never called me. She was a classic teenage female who loved texting me all the time. Not that it mattered – I loved texting her back, I was pretty in love with her at the time.

I listened. Nothing but sobs on the other end of the line.

“This is weird,” I thought to myself as I only heard her crying, and she gave me the obvious news.

“I feel like we should break up,” she informed me between sobs of guilt and upset-ness.

I did not agree at all. What had happened? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something bad? I asked myself all the cliche breakup questions every man asks himself when he thinks the soulmate girl of his dreams is breakup up with him.

In truth, we were most likely going to inevitably break up because it was not meant to be. She was several years younger than me, a high schooler, while I was a supposed to be a college man. I was a college freshman, starting in a new place hours away, and she was in a different place and probably wanted to experience a lot of things in life that a relationship would make difficult, no matter how much you love or care about the person. Many relationships tend to be that way. The two people will be right. You will love that person and she will love you back. The relationship will be passionate, and you really care about that person as a person deep down, but deep down you know the timing isn’t right. If only we had met in a different time, in a different place, we may have been in a very different position. Life is funny like that sometimes.

I spent the next few weeks in my dorm room confused and upset. The only things I really did or focus on were working out, going to class, eating, and studying. “If she was going to break up with me, then I am going to make the most of it and become the best version of myself I can be,” I though to myself again and again while I did heavy lat pull downs in the university gym. That was the right mentality to have, but I took it to the extreme. Like everything else in life, moderation is key. As Oscar Wilder said, “everything in moderation, including moderation.” That is one of my favorite quotes and I try to live by it now.

Nearly a year later I was ready to move on obliviously into the dating world (or so I thought), and found myself going on a new date, with a new girl, who again, eventually broke up. Except for this time she was a little meaner about it, but that’s a different story. The point is is that the dating world is very different for teenager than it is for actual adults. As a teenager you wonder into a relationship like an oblivious little fawn, unaware of the big world around you and unsuspecting of real danger and stupid stuff from happening that happens all the time. In my case it was my girlfriend unexpectedly calling me from 100 miles away announcing we should break up. As teenagers, we stumble around and act and think like we know the world and what’s going to happen, but we really don’t. Maybe that gives us a little comfort. Thinking that we know something that we really have no idea about. Then we trudge on through a relationship and act surprised and grief-stricken that we got broken up with, or worse, get an STD or unplanned/ unexpected pregnancy. I will try to play devil’s advocate at the end and explain why breakups for adults can be worse, but here is a list of reasons why breakups for teenagers may in fact be worse than breakups for adults:

1. You don’t know what you got yourself into

This is the oblivious-little-fawn stumbling blinding example I used earlier. When you’re a teenager you have no idea what you’re really getting yourself into when you enter a relationship with another girl, because the fact of the matter is that you have never really had another relationship in your life. That time you dated a girl in preschool and she kicked you in the knee because you wouldn’t let her play on the swing set doesn’t count. I don’t think you’re really capable of having an adult-like relationship with legitimate adult-like behavior and feelings until your a real teenager. Adults can shrug a relationship off easier because they kind of have an idea of what they’re getting themselves into when they enter, and they may already have a pre-set ritual or breakup protocol in place before they enter a relationship. So teenagers, beware, and don’t be dumb.

2. People are more hormonal and emotional as teenagers

When I was a 18-year-old young lad as a freshman in college, it felt like a total testosterone filled machine. My workouts in the gym were strong, I felt young and powerful, and it felt like someone could make me angry fairly easy. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel the same way now, but it seems like when I was a teenager these feelings were amplified. Add these hormones to the hormones of an emotional teenage girl, and the emotional turmoil of a breakup, and you’ve got yourself a concoction of emotional drama fit for any modern age drama soap-opera. By the way, I’m like most of you and prefer to watch most of the drama in my life on a television screen, rather than have to live through it.

3. Life is uncertain as a teenager – breakups don’t make it any better

When you’re a teen one thing is certain – everything is uncertain. Upon graduation from high school pressuring but well-ententioned adults and teachers alike as us the all too common but dreaded question, “what are you doing after high school?” The question only gets worse and more pressurizing as you have to pick a major in college, decide which classes you want to take, and ultimately choose a job after college after you are thrown into the real-world by your elders, hopeless little child that you are. When I was 18 I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. All I cared about was hanging out with my friends, working out, playing football, and playing video games. I was a testosterone filled male who was unsurprisingly obsessed yet terrified of the opposite sex, and if someone asked me, “what do you want to do with you life?” I honestly had no idea. Mix this with the chaos and uncertainty of a breakup, and you have, my friend, another concoction of emotional drama fit for any modern age drama soap-opera.

4. It’s hard to see perspective when you’re young

So many adults and wise people older than me would tell me after I suffered any kind of hardship as a teenager, “it will be ok, you’re young, you’ve got time, everything will be alright.” As a teenager I had a hard time seeing if everything was going to be all right because I only had the small number of experiences I had. I understand adults have their share of hard times when it comes to breakups that may cloud their judgement and may make them think teenage breakups are no big deal. Adults have to deal with much more brutul things when it comes to breakups, such as divorce, custody of children, moving out of living arrangements, and even worse lawsuits. But sometimes I wonder if all of these people who told me “it will be ok, you’re young” actually remember what it feels like to be a teenager, have no idea what you want to do with you life, be oblivious to the world, and be dumped. I know nearly everyone has had this happen to them, but I wonder if everyone really remembers how hard it is when you are in the moment, and you aren’t sure if everything will be all right? When you aren’t sure if everything will work themselves out, or if everything will fall into place. The world is a big and complicated place, especially for someone young. Next time you see a teenager who is going through a breakup or any kind of obstacle in life, maybe try to put yourself in their shoes, relate to what a similar situation was like for you, and give them the benefit of the doubt. No doubt, being a teenager is hard, but getting over a breakup shouldn’t be.